Volume 2 – Lost Memories
#82 – Dissension
The man slowly raised the gun. My eyes were aligned with the barrel. When I looked up, I could see the man’s eyes through the little gunsight. He was… scared. His hand was shaking.
He was having a moment of hesitation, and this could be my only chance. I tried to get up, but failed. Just when I was about to jump towards the man to attack, I slipped and fell back down in front of the gun.
I closed my eyes. I had been wounded pretty badly before and even though I required immediate help, I had survived; perhaps I could survive a single bullet too… But then, I had also seen people who have been killed with a single bullet. I was about to go crazy as my emotions and thoughts rapidly altered between fear, hope, despair and sorrow. I could almost feel my heartbeats; even if the bullet wouldn’t kill me, a heart attack probably would.
“Pull the trigger!” my internal voice was yelling to the man. My subconscious was way too curious about the outcome of the situation.
“Please let another miracle happen!” I repeated in my mind.
It was the longest two seconds in my life.
I heard the gunshot echo a few times. I wasn’t feeling anything. It must have been the adrenaline, the body’s safeguard against pain during the action. I slowly opened my eyes, looking down, and patiently waited to feel the pain.
I held my chest, thinking that I would probably be shot there. And there it was, I could feel the blood with my hands. It was amazing how my body could produce blood so fast in order to replace all the blood I had lost through my open wounds.
I heard a metallic sound. A gun dropped down just in front of me, which was also covered in blood. And the body of a man… It wasn’t my blood. It was the man’s, he had shot himself!
He was still alive, struggling on the ground. I stood up and looked at him. He could slowly turn his head to see me.
“I just…” he spoke. “…couldn’t handle.”
“I-It’s okay, I will get you-” I panicked. I could still save him. I was about to run to find help, but he suddenly held my leg. I panicked even more. He squeezed my leg and didn’t let me go.
“T-t-t-t….t-t-thank you.” he said, looking into my eyes.
“Thank you, Cansu.” I whispered softly.
The man made a horrifying noise as he breathed in, perhaps for the last time. “Find… help…” He was barely speaking. “…the generator… room…”
His grip loosened, and he let me go. His body was frozen, and his eyes were open. He was looking at me, but there was no longer any indication that he was still alive.
Having witnessed many deaths before, I thought it wouldn’t affect me so much after a while; but I was wrong. Every death was hurting me much more… Perhaps The Community was right about something; if I had just died, none of this would’ve happened. Maybe The Community and the facility would still exist, but the deaths would’ve been limited to the ones who have been kidnapped by the scientists.
“Shut it.” Cansu said.
“What?” I said.
“I know what you are thinking, teacher. But please hear me out: I didn’t just save you a few seconds ago so you could let yourself be manipulated by the evil again.” she said. “Your ‘timely’ death wouldn’t save anyone, nor it would be any better for the people who spent their lives in this building. People would still get kidnapped and many of them would still die; and we would’ve lost our only opportunity to end this massacre.”
“I… I see.” I said. “I just can’t stop thinking.”
“You can’t stop thinking because you are not fighting it!” Cansu said. “Well, again, I guess this is why I need to be with you…”
“Thanks for saving my life over and over again.” I said.
“This whole business was about saving people’s lives over and over again…” she sighed. “Let’s save everyone’s life for an eternity and get out of this place. We are losing time.”
I left the dead man on the spot and headed into a corridor.
“The generator room is the other way.” Cansu said.
“I know.” I replied.
“Want to give me a good reason why you are not going that way, teacher?” she said.
“I’m going to find Idil.” I said.
“No, you are not.” she said. “You are going to turn back and get protection by-”
“Look.” I said. “We tried it your way, but you see; it doesn’t work. This time, I will try to do it my way.”
“You are forcing me to use my powers.” she said.
“For once, I know exactly what I’m doing, so please let me do.” I said. I was getting a bit angry, but at the same time, I really didn’t want to argue with her.
“No, you don’t know what you are doing; you are just following what your heart is telling you.” she said.
“Well…” I raised my voice. “Maybe my heart is right!”
“Except it isn’t.” Cansu raised her voice too. “You are too obsessed with saving individuals that you can’t even see the big picture anymore! Losing a battle doesn’t mean losing the entire war; but if we lose the war against The Community-”
“We can’t afford losing any other person!” I yelled. “We lost our best sources of information and protection; Mr. Kenan and The Librarian. She is the only one left on our side.”
“You can’t save her like this. Do you even know where she is?” Cansu said.
“Well, I have to start from somewhere!” I said. “You know, you criticize me a lot, but… Perhaps your entire plan is based on your hatred towards The Community. You have been following the raging fires and anger in your heart, let me follow the way of compassionate love for once.”
“I can’t let you jeopardise my quest… I won’t!” she yelled.
“Now, we are not talking like the friends we are, are we?” I said. I was getting worried. “Are you on my side to help me out, or for your own interests?”
“I-It is not like that.” she said. Her voice has gotten a lot softer.
“Are we bound together with friendship and unconditional love, or strategic alliance and unwritten treaties?” I asked.
“Stop it.” she said.
“Is your main objective saving people or destroying The Community?” I asked.
“Are you making your decisions with logic or hatred?” I asked.
“Teacher!” she said, crying. “Stop!”